Understanding Love

Love is a pattern of relationship that is designed to bring people closer together.

Stage One: Attraction

They say that we are attracted to other people by pheromones - their scent. This arouses in us feelings of passion and excitement. We often overlook this person's faults because we are 'so in love' with them.

Logical thinking and cognitive reasoning fades as we make statements like:

They are perfect
They meet all my needs
We are soul mates
He is the one
We were born to be together
We are perfect together

This grows as we date. We can date for a long time because the pheromones are not with us 24/7 so we receive a fresh rush every time they enter our lives.

Stage Two: Romance - Romance/Passion

This can be different for different couples.

Couple A may 'out date' the rush and see the person for what they are and then just drift away.

Couple B may not 'out grow' the rush, but may see the cost of a relationship as 'too high' at this time in their life.

Couple C gets married. They are now together all the time. Many people wake up the morning after wondering what they did. The 'shock' of realizing they are married to a normal person is too much for their system. There are faucets that need fixing - and don't get fixed. Dishes that need to be done and don't get done because of work problems.

What ever transpires after the first few months, the 'rush' fades. Many people feel that they are falling out of love. This is not true. What is 'really' happening is that your body is growing accustomed to their pheromones, so you no longer get a rush.

Stage Three: Romance/Passion - Passion/Intimacy

We start to build a relationship. Most of us find this a little difficult. If we are mature then we will stay in the relationship. After all, we know that there is nothing better out there - and we have developed deep feelings for this person.

Those who have not grown up want to leave. They only wanted to be in the marriage for the rush. They never wanted to be a 'real' husband/wife.

To continue in a relationship we need to learn that love without action will die. Millions of people came together through arranged marriages. Many of these people learned how to fall in love.

The people will need to put some effort into the relationship. They will need to say 'I love you' and do nice things that makes the other feel better. (the truth about love: Your ability to feel love is directly related to your ability to give it. If you do nothing in the day to make others feel loved, then you will not be able to feel love.)


There are 5 stages of love:
Attraction
Romance
Passion
Intimacy
Commitment

Today many relationships go through the first three stages within a year or two, whether married or not. They often feel they've fallen 'out of love' before they reach level 4 or 5

The good news - if you push through then you'll not only reach commitment, but those who do hit the end learn that the cycle never stops. The couple will return to level one and continue through until the day they stop working at their relationship. At this time, everything just fades and dies. The couple becomes a stranger.

Not all relationships will grow. There are three types of people and romance:

Selfish Romance - this occurs when a person acts romantic for the purpose of gaining something -- like gifts, self-gratification, sex, help paying bills or with house work, or someone to talk to. This in itself is not a bad thing, the five languages of love are:

1. Words of Affirmation - talking, saying nice things to each other, compliments, sweet talking, romantic poems.


2. Quality Time - this type of person wants long walks, romantic dinners, theater nights, and snuggling infront of a fire/movie.


3. Gifts - if this is true, then it doesn't matter whether the gift is a rose wrapped in a lace bow, or a card with a little surprise in it. If the gift is not true, then the person will measure the gift's value by its price tag.


4. Acts of Service - there are some people who don't want diamonds or poetry. They will feel loved if you take out the garbage, help them with dishes, or help them get a project done.


5. Physical touch - this person may think they have it easy, but it is hard for these people. The need to be touched, stroked - more than sex.

(b) Selfless Romance - when someone understands the love languages and cares about the other person they act romantic for the sheer pleasure and enjoyment of their partner. You receive enjoyment and pleasure through others happiness.

Selfish romance dies quickly. Romance is an "act" that feeds on itself. It can die, but with a little effort, it can be brought back to life. Sometimes a couple can even ignite the rush of pheromones.