I learned the hard way that you cannot go on until you let go of the past. I watched friend after friend remarry and then divorce. I listened to them repeat the same mistakes they made in the past.
When I remarried, I did the same thing. We were two years into our marriage before we realized what we were doing and started to work hard to heal. Expecially when we learned that the emotions from a past releationship, or any broken relationship, can reduce our life.
How to Mend Fast From a Broken Past Relationship - Part Two
In the previous issue as promised, this segment will give you a short-cut, precise, and valuable "12 Step Relationship Recovery Guideline" that will help you look into removing any "hidden" unhealthy relationship toxic buildup that may be unconsciously blocking your blessings.
There is a remarkable Biblical principle, "Ask and it shall be given." But this is not meant to be interpreted just literally. It also implies that you make a psychological and spiritual appeal. In other words, it's not solely the words that come out of your mouth, but also about your frame of mind and behavioral pattern-your thoughts, your feelings, beliefs, and actions.
People may say they want one thing, yet subconsciously their actions and personalities say something completely different. For example, a woman may have gone through a series of harsh and unkind experiences with men in the past and verbally affirms that she wants an ideal mate in the present. Yet, if in fact she has not taken time to cleanse and heal from her old memories and habits, she may, consciously or unconsciously, attract the same type of unworthy men into her life. Or, on the other hand, if a decent man steps into her life, she may not be able to bond with him in a healthy manner because past emotions will keep resurfacing and interfering with their relationship.
However, if she takes the time to first prepare herself mentally and emotionally, she will "ask" for and shall certainly "receive" the healthy love she seeks, and never have to worry about ever being abandoned or deceived again. Here is the "12-Stage Relationship-Recovery Guideline" which you can use as a sliding scale to determine where you are, where you'd like to be, and how soon you'd like to get there:
The 12-Stage Relationship-Recovery Guideline
1. Recognizing that the unhealthy relationship is no good for you
2. Conditioning yourself to get out of it
3. Taking the steps and actually walking out of it
4. Coping with the emotional roller-coaster one day at a time
5. Getting to know yourself (finding out who you are and exactly what you want)
6. Restoring and re-creating yourself (taking back the pieces of your spirit)
7. Empowering and enjoying the new you
8. Wanting and praying for a healthy-minded, compatible mate
9. Meeting and checking him out (letting him into the perimeter of your life)
10. Opening to the possibilities of a new, healthy relationship as you get to know him
11. Removing your self-protective coating as you grow to trust and respect him
12. Enjoying a healthy love match as you grow to love each other
The goal here is to help you heal from the past, so that you will be able to ask for, believe in, receive, and accept the wholesome relationship and marriage you deserve by thoroughly examining and removing the hidden, as well as the readily apparent emotional hindrances that may be barricading your healthy love.
The simple truth is, we do an excellent job of putting on a front before the world. It began from we took that first step onto the threshold of social awareness, where we were conditioned to believe, "Don't let anybody in your business, or have anything over you, and never let a man see who you really are."
This practice has built barricades around the hearts of countless women, resulting in years of celibacy, casual dating, or shallow relationships. And when we experience disappointment from unhealthy relationships, we retreat even further within to an untouchable place in an attempt to bury pain, anger or anguish, which often leads to despondency, depression, and frustration.
How To Close The Old Door, So You Can Start to Restore
Countless women are walking around secretly tucked inside their invisible armor. On the outside, you may seem okay, but no one sees you when you're home alone at nights, crying yourself to sleep because of loneliness and feelings of abandonment. The emotional armor successfully keeps others from getting in, but it also keeps you from getting out. Too many women are prisoners within their own body temples.
And it's confusing. It's confusing because armor is a woman's way of defending herself, yet on the other hand her self-protective wall is holding her captive. Many women have already given up on love; thousands secretly yearn for it; others desperately hope for it; and many are afraid to claim it. This is primarily because they don't know how to trust again, and they haven't been shown how to remove the personal emotional armor. The sacred truth is, the healthy love we crave must first be created within us.
You've got to learn how to let go and let the love of God flow in and through you. Replace your personal armor with the protection of God's love. Ephesians 6:13 in the Bible tell us, "Take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able stand firm [withstand any test in life or love]."
Here's a useful exercise to help you dissolve any personal armor:
EXERCISE: Clearing Out The Emotional Baggage
1. What was your most disappointing relationship in the past?
2. Who has caused you pain (or vice versa)? What happened?
3. How did it make you feel during that time? Why?
4. What did you want to happen in the relationship? What would you have changed?
5. Write a letter to the person (or persons) involved, and tell them every detail of how you were
affected (don't hold back; this is a chance to release your feelings on paper).
6. Looking back now, would you have ended the relationship earlier? If so, when and why? If no, why not?
7. How does it affect your life right now? How do you feel at this moment as you are writing?
8. Adopt this affirmation: "I (your name), am valuable. I deserve healthy friendships, the right relationship, a healthy body, and a great life. I will no longer be deprived of my blessings."
9. Now, tear the letter into tiny bits, and as you tear, affirm, "I now release all painful memories from my mind, my body, my heart, my soul. My life and my spirit are now renewed. I hold no hard feelings, and I feel no more sorrow. I am now free, and something good is about to happen to me!"
10. Repeat Steps 1-9 for each unhealthy relationship you can recall.
Now, that you have completed the second phase of this powerful emotional cleansing series, in the following part, you will conclude with a powerful and fast method to "re-define your life without any unhealthy strife." It's time for a spiritually-empowered and an emotionally-happy you!
Dr. Grace Cornish Livingstone, on-air psychologist for the former Queen Latifah TV show, is one of America's foremost relationship consultants. An award-winning, bestselling author of ten books, she is the popular relationship columnist for the London-based Pride magazine. For Dr. Grace's relationship books and CDs visit www.myhealthylove.com
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